From Child Rescuing to Compassionate Witnessing: 

Some Reflections on How to Truly Be There for a Child

All parents, carers and teachers know there are times where our healthy instincts to intervene and to protect life can accomplish miracles. Think of the parent that saves their children from a burning building, for example, or the grandparent that stands in between their grandchild and a random attacker in public. There are certain situations where we must act, without hesitation.

Yet our desire to rescue children from suffering can also become a troublemaker! This is particularly so for those of us that experienced chaotic, unsafe, or traumatised caregivers during our own childhood, who may have taken on a pattern of feeling responsible for the pain of others, including children. As has been well-documented in the media, we are living in an era of “helicopter parenting” where many caregivers feel that they cannot allow their children to fail, feeling that it is their job to intervene on the child’s behalf to protect them from any pain. 

As a result of the actions of such well-meaning adults, children may be denied valuable opportunities to learn from failure, to be humbled by life’s difficulties, and to grow in their own sense of healthy individuality, distinct from the identities of friends and family members.

I must include myself in this, as there have been times as a counsellor when I have been caught in a feeling that I need to fix or resolve a particular problem that a child comes to see me about. Any time I notice this happening, I take this as an invitation to relax, come home to myself, and redefine how I might truly help the child in front of me.  More often than not, I find it is less about doing and more about allowing: allowing the child to express themselves in their own language, allowing the child to have their pain witnessed by a safe adult, and allowing the child the space to come up with a solution on their own terms and on their own timeline. 

I have found that to truly help a child, usually they don’t need to be rescued from anything. What most children need from us is a compassionate witness for whatever is showing up in their world, without the baggage of expecting them to be a certain way for us.

 In the words of Alan Watts:

“The water will clear itself when the conditions are right. Your frantic stirring won’t help; in fact, it will make things worse. This is the wisdom that must accompany clear seeing: the understanding that not everything you perceive requires your intervention.”

Warmly, 

Damian Gerber

Student & Family Counsellor